I watched the TV documentary this week about Paul Gascoigne with great interest because of the many thoughts I have towards the man on a personal level. I stood in the open stadium at Bologna watching the last minute or so of extra time when, after a minute or two of back passing and safe play, he nicked the ball from Shilton, I think it was, to attack instead of playing it safe and maybe take the match to penalties, heard and felt the buzz amongst the thousands of England supporters there, watched him run forward with the support of every Englishman in the ground and those watching on the telly, resulting in David Platt's overhead volley and goal, cross from Gazza of course, which sent us through to the next round of the World Cup. I'm getting a buzz even as I write this and I could go on and on.
Gazza is a hero of mine full stop. He was undoubtedly the most creative midfielder of his generation but he could have achieved so much more.
On a professional level the programme had great interest for me because of the work that I do. I had already seen and heard some of the press comments saying it was wrong for this to be on the TV, Sheryl (Gazza's ex-wife) should be ashamed etc. etc. before the documentary was even broadcast.
What was shown was Paul Gascoigne in an absolute state, an alcoholic by any definition, a man suffering from various mental health issues and a man who chose to be that way. He had been in and out of rehab, it has been consistently shown that rehab is pretty ineffective and almost trendy amongst celebrities (Amy Winehouse – how many rehab visits?), and still chose to drink.
Sheryl and the children had offered as much support as they could give and could do no more. One of the most moving moments for me was when Sheryl was told that it was OK for her not to help any more. She cried as she admitted that no-one had ever said that to her before and I honestly wondered why no-one had. The family made a decision to offer help and support one last time and, if it was refused, they would offer no-more.
No-one can be made to do anything they don't want to do. No-one can be made to love you, to stop drinking alcohol, to stop smoking tobacco or drugs, to stop overspending, to stop biting their nails, to stop sleeping around, to stop overeating, to stop harming themselves or to stop any destructive or harmful behaviours. No-one can be made to do anything they don't want to do.
You can advise, guide, support, encourage, nurture, love, inspire, motivate, coax, prompt, persuade, influence and convince someone to change for the better but you cannot make them change for the better. Sometimes the more you help, the more people will reject your help.
I think that what Sheryl and the children did was exactly the right thing. You can only do so much, you can only support someone so much, you can get to the point where you just can't do anymore and that is the point where responsibility for the abusive or destructive behaviour must be accepted by the abuser themselves. If someone is not prepared to help themselves then you can do no more.
For anyone that has lived with an alcoholic, when you see the eyes change and you know what's coming, when you hear the voice change and you know what's coming, when the behaviours change and you know what's coming, when you feel like you are the only person that can see it but you know that when everyone else has gone, when the “jovial” drinker doesn't have an audience anymore you are the one to get the verbal abuse, maybe a slap or maybe a punch, maybe slaps and punches, when you know that in the morning or “sober” state it will all be denied, when the alcoholic will pretend that they don't remember treating you like a piece of sh*t or letting their family down, for anyone that has lived with an alcoholic and dreaded the sound of the key in the lock in the early hours and the lies and bullsh*t that comes with the mumbled explanations of the missing hours, this programme made a lot of sense.
I think that Sheryl Gascoigne and the children can hold their heads up high. I think that the exposure that this documentary has given will inspire others. Take away the name “Paul Gascoigne” and insert “alcoholic abuser” and I think it will help others, not just those living with an alcoholic in their lives, but others who have self-harmers or drug abusers as part of their family or relationships.
You can only do so much and as long as you have done your absolute best, you can hold your head up high. Ultimately, each and every one of us is responsible for ourselves and our behaviours.
Be happy,
Dave Sabat.
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